Lord, you have probed me, you know me: you know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. My travels and my rest you mark; with all my ways you are familiar. Psalm 139:1-3
Seeking ways in my daily life to see God's faithfulness, I feel called to share with you a little bit about myself. I want to give you an idea of how I got to the place in my life where it was very difficult to trust God's plan for me. It was very difficult to believe that He knew me, and that He wanted good and only good for my life. Sure, trusting God's plan can be hard for everyone. It was especially difficult for me because in my mind I believed that I had reason to not be completely trusting; although, I wanted His will and longed to trust Him. I will admit that I like to be in control, I thought that I NEEDED to be in control because it guarded my heart.
It all began a little over 6 years ago when our marriage was blessed with the wonderful gift of life. We had prayed for the blessing of a child, and were very open to bringing the gift of children into our family. Only five short months after getting married, we conceived. Life was great! We were overjoyed to be partakers with God in bringing this life into the world. Little did we know it would be a life that we would only know for a short while. In my 5th week of pregnancy we miscarried. With the news of the death of our baby, my heart sank. I was sick. Relying on my own courage, I dug deep, and tried to put myself back together. My soul ached, my sweet baby, whom I didn't get to know was gone from this earthly life. Eager to move on, we were quick to attempt pregnancy as soon as the doctor cleared us to try again. God was so good, it was easy, we were pregnant in no time!! Certain of God's goodness, I knew that He would not want me to suffer the lose of another child, right? I demanded God to give me the gift of life, a life that I could know and love as my own. He is a good God, indeed, I believed it!! Unexpectedly, our once healthy pregnancy took a turn for the worse, or was it the better. Only God knew His plan!!! His perfect plan. We miscarried again; this time at almost 8 weeks gestation. I was grateful for the short time that I had spent with our child, but I was hurting so deeply, a part of me would be gone forever. God had a plan, but I didn't know it, and I didn't want any part of it. I knew for sure that my will, interjected into the plan that God had for me was safe, secure, and good enough.
Life went on, after almost two years of telling God that I wasn't ready to give Him control, we found ourselves madly in love. We had just given birth to our first child. With great joy, I accepted the gift of love that God gives mothers for their children. A love like no other. Four healthy babies later, and never admitting it until about 6 months ago, I was still angry at God for taking my first two babies away from me. This anger, caused a division in my relationship with God. I trusted Him, and I did long for His will to be done, but I always played it safe!! I stayed where I was comfortable. As I mentioned in a previous blog my prayer for the last year, as we've been discerning the call to missions, has been for God to complete the plan He has for me. He knows me!! Through the gift of my children and the faithfulness of my husband, I was able to see that I needed healing! God did have a plan. He desperately wanted to bring this plan to completion, only if I'd completely trust Him and give myself totally to Him. Facing my fear head on, only with God's grace and His perfect timing, I was finally able to forgive myself for the loss of our babies. God is familiar with me, He was gentle with me, the way that I needed!! Only He could know that it was what I needed!! I came to understand that my children are not my own. I've known this for a long time, and have even said it to other moms before, but it became real to me. I realized that I'm created for what I have now, in this moment, I have everything that God has in store for me. Striving to live according to His plan, my life has been restored!
As difficulties arise in our journey to becoming missionaries, I am quick to depend upon my own will, as I did for so many years when I felt that something was owed to me. In just a few days, I've been given many signs of God's faithfulness because God knows me!! He is more familiar with me than I am with myself!! I write; especially, to share with you a few stories of the simple ways God has shown me that He knows what is best! One afternoon, pondering over what to cook for dinner, as our fridge was mostly empty of the things needed to prepare a full meal. Thinking of how I needed to go to the grocery store, I hear a knock on our door. It was Martha, our sweet neighbor! She had brought over some extra frozen fish filets from her freezer. I knew in that moment that God was saying, "I provide. I know you, and your needs." Trusting on God to provide the needed things for us to go into full-time missions is difficult for me. Martha and her husband know of our plans to become missionaries, but she didn't know of my particular need on that day. God gave me some reassurance of His providence. He is faithful, and as always, He acts in perfect timing! Before the week was over, another little blessing came to me. I received an e-mail form a mom who works at John Paul the Great Academy, the school our oldest son attends. She was replying to my email asking for garage sale donations. She mentioned that she felt like the Holy Spirit was leading her to forward my e-mail to every other mother who had children at JPG. A little taken back, I waited to respond. Eventually, I did, saying thank you to her for heeding to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Again, God was so good, He is providing. A single mom, who works for the Lafayette Police Department, e-mailed me because she got the forwarded e-mail about our upcoming garage sale. She said since she can't serve the poor in the way we feel called, and she can't help with much being she is a single mother, she wanted to sponsor our family with a monthly donation of $25. Moved to tears, I was reminded of God's faithfulness. Longing for her courage, I thought to myself, could I do what she was doing, for someone I didn't know, if I were a single mom? The demands of family life seem like mountains to climb, and we live on a frugal budget so that I can stay home with our boys. The week when I doubted God's plan for me the most, He showed up and allowed me to see that I needed to let go of my control because He had a plan for me. Oh, how He was familiar with me!! The Lord knows us, and is familiar with our ways. He knows what is best for our lives!! Let us join together in trusting God's will for our lives! Let us serve God together!! We need your prayers. We can't fathom accomplishing anything without prayer!
Please continue to pray for us! Some of our immediate needs are to sell Chip's truck. We need to sell it in order to pay down our family car to sell it later this year. Another common question that we've been asked recently is where are we going to end up? Well, we are still discerning this along with the directors of FMC. We may not know of our post until we complete our "Intake" training this fall. Please pray for this to be made clear to both us and our directors. Also, we have begun raising the proper funds to cover the expense of our three month training. It will cost approximately $6800.00 for our family of six. The cost covers our living expenses for three months, materials needed for our study, visas, passports, and a three week mission to Mexico. I ask you to prayerfully consider how God might be asking you to serve. We need partners in prayer. We also need others, like the single mom, to make monthly donations to support our missions in the field. We will commit for two years (hopefully longer!), embracing gospel poverty, the cost of living will be approximately $600-$800 per month for our family of six. Maybe God is asking you to serve the poor through us? If so, you can make monetary donations online at http://www.fmcmissions.com/ be sure to leave our name, Gauthe' in the memo portion online or if you are writing a check.
Be assured of our prayers, and God Bless,